my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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