Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Idk if I want to put a bra on
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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