Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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