Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
