??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
