1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
