don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
