Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
