do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My feet surprised me
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