She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
