I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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