A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
