I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
