He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
