When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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