arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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