My nipple is on Facebook.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
