She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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