omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
