Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
