It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
