dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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