Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
