My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
