Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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