Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
