you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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