So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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