Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
