i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
false alarm. still invincible.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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