I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
