bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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