my mouth tastes like poor choices
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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