my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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