if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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