i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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