Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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