I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
