Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
