she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
