my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
