This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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