dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
