I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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