I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
this will be a night to untag.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
