im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
