there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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