We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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