Well apparently he's into motor boating.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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