Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
